that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize