neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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