Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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