just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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