omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
