So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His hands were made for my vagina.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
