he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
