It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
