my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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