I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
