imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
