I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
