The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
