wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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