Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
