it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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