Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
