and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
