A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
