8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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