I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
