Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
