but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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