I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
