ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
