two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
