I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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