i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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