Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
