I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize