theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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