I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
