I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
