I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
