We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
