He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
