I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
