Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize