I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
