WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
