I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
