dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
