A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
