My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
