Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
