she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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