When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
