i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think people are normalizing furries
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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