We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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