Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
