I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
