My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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