Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize