bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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