Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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