The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
did i walk over a car last night?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
