I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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