Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize