Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Someone shit on the floor
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
