idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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