So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
