i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
