i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I checked into jail on foursquare
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
